


Sugawara Koushi x Reader - It's (Not) Going to Be Okay

by KittenTalesAuthor



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, One-Shot, Oneshot, Romance, Sadness, XReader, happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7725904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittenTalesAuthor/pseuds/KittenTalesAuthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is unpredictable. There is no guarantee that you will see the light of day tomorrow or that you'll live on to be 100 years old. Everyday that passes by with you in it should be viewed as a gift and that's exactly what Sugawara Koushi has grown up to believe. Life has gained more reason and light since he met _______ and, in his mind, there is nothing in the world that could ever possibly change it. He promised her forever and forever is what they are looking to keep, but as mentioned before, sometimes, life doesn't always go the way we plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sugawara Koushi x Reader - It's (Not) Going to Be Okay

**_WARNING: This one-shot contains thoughts of depression in a dark place and, though no accounts of self-harm are brought up, the reader’s discretion is advised. Read at your own risk._ **

 

People could say what they wanted about life and the tough roads it had to lead down, but sometimes, just sometimes, it showed you a little slice of Heaven.

Life will always have its rough tracks and harsh turns, but when you manage to find that bright light to ignite that raging spark in your soul, what negative thoughts could you have? Everything seems to open up to you in the best of ways, all kinds of doors unlock for you to walk through and the possibilities become endless. What road should you walk down? Where should you go? With so many options, how could you choose? Well, to Sugawara Koushi, the destination didn’t matter so long as he had _______ by his side. He had never been one of the boys who went out of his way to gain the attention of a multitude of girls, never the type to want to throw himself at any who came into sight. No, he was a very romantic man; the kind who wanted to find _the one_ and completely sweep her off of her feet to whisk her away into a life any Queen would kill to have. He had always held onto the hope that he would find her, had always believed that when he looked up at the sky above, she was watching the same clouds roll by. He knew she was out there and she was searching for someone just like him. The other half to his soul, the missing puzzle piece that so many sought to find…and he had his.

He met her back during his second year in Karasuno. The two had shared a class together, a history class, and had been assigned to complete a project together. The two had gotten along right off the bat and quickly became close friends. They rarely did anything without the other by their side as they grew closer and closer to one another. Love quickly blossomed amongst the beautiful friendship when the two neared the end of their third year and the boy had finally confessed to her a few days before the acceptance letters from a college the two wanted to go to together arrived. This marked one of the biggest and most wonderful changes in both of their lives because, from that day forward, the two were a couple, a pair of matched souls, and had become absolutely inseparable. When the time to move came to be, the two rented out an apartment together and in that small space, they had spent two years falling deeper and deeper into a beautiful love everybody dreams of finding for themselves. 

When the gray locked young man found the confidence in himself to strive for more after those two long years, he had set out and bought the woman of his dreams a ring. It wasn’t the biggest diamond and it wasn’t the shiniest, but to her, it meant the world and so much more. With tears in her eyes and a soaring heart, she had agreed to be his for the rest of time. The young married couple were beyond ecstatic with their new lives together, there being absolutely nothing in the world that could ever bring them down from such a heavenly high. Though the two may have never had the money to afford extravagant luxuries or a fancy Oceanside home, the two were happy. Genuine happiness always sung throughout their small home and the love between the two was noticeable to any who knew them and all who saw them. Slowly but surely, they were getting the family the two of them had always wanted. What more could either one of them ask for? They didn’t care for the riches, didn’t care for the elaborate show and ornamental displays. All they cared about was each other and the life they were building to reach.

Dreams of a beautiful little home the two of them could share motivated them to strive for the future even further and they began to save up money in a jar for it. The jar was decorated in all kinds of pictures the two had put together with each other and their friends, a precious dedication to the life they knew they would always come to know. During their years in university, Sugawara had promised her he would take care of their expenses. He promised her he would work as hard as he possibly could to make up the money to both buy their home and let them live as comfortably as they liked in their cozy little apartment. He told her she didn’t need to find work and could continue to study for her degree because he wanted her to be worry free, but boy, was she a fighter. She never accepted this fully from him. Of course she appreciated that his heart was set in the right place, but she could never find it in herself to let him carry that heavy burden all on his own two shoulders alone. So, the two had reached a compromise. She promised him she would study through the year until summer and when summer came, she would work alongside him to earn the money they needed for their home. He never wanted to cause her such trouble, but it did warm his heart that she did everything in her power to help alleviate the load he had to carry. It showed she really did love him and he could feel it. He always did.

Before long, however, on a wonderfully beautiful day, she brought him the best news he could ever receive. She told him she was pregnant and that, soon enough, she would give him the gift of being a father. Oh, how the two cried that day. They cried until their eyes grew achy and sore, but          let it be known that every single one of those tears were of pure joy. Neither one of them could wait to become parents and bring in another addition to their family. They had wanted this for such a long time and for it to actually begin to happen for them had almost felt completely surreal, like a fairytale that came to life. This brought the need for their home to a much greater importance for the two of them knew they couldn’t keep a child in such a small apartment like their own. So, for the next five months, the man worked. He worked as hard as he could while she stayed at home when the bump their baby created grew. With time, the money in their jar increased and increased until they thought maybe they had enough for what they wanted. They didn’t want anything big and wanted to maybe find something out in the countryside away from the busy city life where they knew they could raise their child to be free.    

So, they packed their bags. They packed their bags and planned out a week for them to go down to the countryside for house searching. The country had always been stunning and very appealing to the both of them, the drive over having been absolutely awe-inspiring. They knew from the moment that they left the noisy streets and tall buildings behind to be greeted by large, expanding acres and small, friendly towns that this is where they were meant to be. This is where their family was supposed to grow. The young couple had been so excited about the prospect of finding a home so soon that, on the very day they arrived in town, they went searching. They found an agent and everything slowly began to come together. There had been many lovely homes the two of them had seen throughout the week with the real estate agent from the town their motel was in and even some from two towns over, but on the fifth day of their visit, they both knew they found it. They knew they had found their home.

It was a lovely little house with a large yard to play in and three cozy little bedrooms inside. There was a garden out in the front, small though it may have been, adorning a sweet little patch of red Poppies. It wasn’t anything too big, wasn’t anything too extravagant and it was exactly what they were looking for. The excitement that radiated off of the two was more than enough for the both of them to know that they were thinking the exact same thing. The house was in their price range and had absolutely everything their beautiful little family was looking for, so why not? Why not make the decision to buy the house and move so their baby could be brought back to their new home the day they were born? Why not already start to make this place a real home for the child they would soon be bringing into this world together? It didn’t take a mind reader to know that they wanted this. By the time the sixth day came to be, they had seen all the houses the agent had to offer them, but none of the others compared to that small house with the small Poppy patch.

The sun was now just setting over the horizon outside of their motel room, bathing the quaint little town in a gorgeous golden haze. It seemed like a scene from a movie to Sugawara as he watched it slowly come into view from the window he looked through. The sight made a brilliant smile angle his lips which only seemed to widen when he heard _______’s footsteps echo in the room when she stepped out of the shower. With a sweet little smile of her own, the young woman wandered over to her husband, taking a seat beside him on their bed. Gentle fingers reached for his hand and took it in her grasp, giving it a firm and loving squeeze which he was quick to return. “Koushi,” She cooed softy, earning her the sight of his bright almond hues. “Isn’t the town beautiful at this time? I personally liked this one best from the ones we’ve seen this week. What do you think of it?” His gaze softened at the sound of her soft, calming voice, his head nodding in reply to her words. “I love it,” He murmured softly. “It’s everything I could have hoped for and so much more. This is the kind of place I would love to have our family live by. It’s beautiful, peaceful and filled with such kind people…I don’t think there’s much more I could ever ask for.”

He watched as her eyes brightened in that familiar excitement he had come to know so well. She always had that look in her eyes when something made her happy or excited. They’d widen and the color she withheld seemed to glow just like the rest of her. She was his beautiful, perfect, warm little ray of sunlight and every little thing about her always reminded him just how lucky of a man he was to have her by his side forever. “Really, Koushi…? You mean it?!” She brought his hand up close to her, holding it against her chest right where her heart was as both her hands gently encompassed his in her grasp. “I-I think the exact same thing…! I think this would make a wonderful home for us, but,” She took a little bite of her bottom lip, though her smile had never fallen. “There was this one house that caught my eye…I’m not sure if you liked it, too, but I really, really think you did. Remember…? The one with the red Poppy garden?” He chuckled at the sight of her hopeful expression, knowing full well which one she spoke of. “Yes, I remember. That was actually the one I really liked, too. It was my favorite house from all the ones the agent showed us. Was it yours, too, _______?” With her excitement reaching new heights, the young woman nodded her head quick, beginning to bounce on the mattress in place beside him. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I absolutely loved it…!” She stood to her feet then, taking both of the man’s hands in her own and beginning to tug in her eagerness. “Can we go see it again, Koushi? Please? It’s just a short walk away from here!”

Laughing on in her contagious joy, Sugawara stood to his feet as she wanted him to, following her along as she led him towards the door. “Of course, dear. Just let me get my shoes on, hmm? You should, too.” He gestured to their bare feet with a playful grin and raise of a brow, though the two were yet to release each other’s hands. A bashfully sweet giggle escaped her then when she noticed just how ahead of herself she was getting, but who could possibly blame her? The idea of finding their family’s home was just so thrilling! She couldn’t contain the happy eagerness that radiated from her being! “Right, right, of course,” She gave another little laugh as she led him along with her towards their shoes, both pairs set side-by-side near the door to their room. “Can’t go running off outside without shoes…!” For a pregnant woman, she sure was energetic. That was something about her that never seemed to change even through her pregnancy so far. Yes, she got her morning sickness every now and again and sometimes felt a little down, but she always found her way right back up again. It was one of the many things the almond eyed boy adored about her.

With their feet safe and secure within their shoes, the pair managed to make it out of their room just in time to walk along the town with the companionship of the setting sun. The quaint little town almost seemed to be coming to life with fading light, the town’s people coming out of their homes just to take in that wonderful breath of fresh air twilight always brought with it. Smiles remained perfectly intact as the pair walked alongside them, their hands always finding each other out of a natural instinct so gentle fingers could weave together in a sweet union. Oh, how he loved moments like these. He adored just walking with her by his side to watch and enjoy the world set around them. Everything seemed brighter and more colorful when he had _______ with him. He had never known what his life would be like exactly, but once the two found each other and got married, everything just began to get clearer and clearer with each passing day. With her, he felt whole. With her, he felt complete. With her, he felt stronger. With her, he felt like life would always be grand no matter what adversity the two of them faced.

“How are you feeling?” He asked her in his soft tone of voice as the two began to make their way down the tree-lined path which wound over to their soon-to-be home. “Are you feeling alright? Any pains? Aches?” A sweet little laugh escaped the girl’s lips in reply. She always did adore how protective and attentive he was over her. He asked her these kinds of questions quite often – even back when she wasn’t pregnant! He just always wanted to know that she was okay and that was one of the many things about him that made her adore every last little inch of him inside and out. “I’m fine, love.” She replied as she leaned into him enough to rest her head on his shoulder. He happily accepted this shift in positions, paying a kiss to the top of her head to let it be known to her. “It’s tough sometimes, but you get a little used to some of the symptoms. Right now, though, I’m completely fine.” A wider, brighter smile angled her lips as she squeezed his hand in her own. “I’m just really excited about buying our first real home…You think they’ll like it here as much as we do?” She questioned as she moved her free hand to her stomach, gently rubbing over where the nurturing bump grew.

“I’m sure they’ll love it.” Sugawara replied with a fond look to his gaze. “It’s a cozy, friendly town with a beautiful scenery. They’ll have a big backyard to play in all they want and will be able to be closer to a down-to-earth setting and I just…I can just see us being really happy here together. It feels like this place was meant for us. All three of us.” He truly believed it with all of his heart, too. Everything in this side of the country was perfect for them. He could clearly envision all three of them in his head enjoying a nice summer’s day out in the yard with a nice pool for all of them to enjoy together. They’d make classic homemade lemonade and they could all have nice lunches by the pool during the afternoons. Maybe they could even have a pet eventually. Maybe a dog who would love to run around in the outdoors with their child as well. It all just came together so well in his head, there was no doubt in him that told him they wouldn’t be happy here. _______ seemed to feel the same way about it as well. Releasing a peaceful sigh at her own mental images, she softly began to rub her cheek against his shoulder in her own form of affection as the two took in the almost majestic scenery around them. “It really is a great place and I honestly think you’re right. This is almost like a town you’d see on an oil painting or something – you know, something you almost wouldn’t be able to believe is real.”

Slowly with sweet conversation passing between the two of a close future ahead of them, their dream home began to come into view, its details becoming clearer and clearer the closer they got. The first and most prominent feature that always stood out to them both was always the patch of bright red Poppies on the front lawn gently swaying with the breeze, gracefully welcoming them home with their dance. Though the sounds of their footsteps and words momentarily stopped as they stood before the building, the sounds of the world around them encompassed them, showed them just a small preview of what life could be like with just what they could hear and see from the outside. The leisurely dying rays of the sun seemed to shine even brighter from the sides of the house as they just stood and marveled in their thoughts, the images that flashed through both of their heads of the family they had been dreaming of for such a long time filling their hearts with more warmth and joy than they could ever admit to. Happiness bloomed from the inviting home even with the emptiness it currently held inside. To them, it was all a blank canvas; a canvas the two could paint and décor as much as they wished with their child by their side.

“Koushi…” _______ murmured softly in awe as her large eyes widened and brightened at the sight before them as if it had been the very first time. She stood up straight beside him, gently leading him closer to get a better look at the two-story building. “It’s…It’s so beautiful…I can’t believe this is actually happening.” She turned her gaze back to meet his own, softened and gentle with all the love in the world mixed within those almond hues of his. “Is this really going to happen…? Are we going to come back here? Is this really going to be our home?” The hope and life in her eyes brought so much more joy to Sugawara’s heart, he couldn’t stand to tell her ‘no’ even if he hated the place. The wonderful thing about it, though, was the fact that this had become _both_ of their picture-perfect dreams. “_______,” He began as he took a hold of both of her hands now, raising them up to press a sweet, loving kiss to her soft skin. “I would do absolutely anything to make you happy and to know that this brings you so much of it makes me just as happy as you. I love this house. I love this town. I love what our lives could be like here with our family and I absolutely and completely adore you.” He stepped closer to her as he released one of her hands to cup her right cheek in his palm. Lovingly, he leaned in and kissed her lips tenderly with care and passion, showing her the love he felt in that simple gesture. “This is going to be home. We have just enough to make this work and I promise we’ll make it work. No matter what, this is going to be home.”

The sun’s intensely prominent golden rays had disappeared by then to be replaced by the swirling watercolor strokes in the sky of light greens, purples and darkened blues. Yet, to him, everything seemed bright and filled with light simply because of the look in her eyes. Pure bliss radiated from her very being at the realization that this was reality, this was going to be happening and this was going to be their life. They had finally found home and she wouldn’t change it for any other in the world. With him and their child on the way, there could be nothing else that would make it any better than what it already was. “Koushi…!” Was all she found she was able to exclaim as she embraced the man she loved as best as she could, joyous laughter emitting from the two as he hugged her back, always mindful of the little bundle she carried in between them. “I-I love you so much…! I swear I couldn’t be happier!” His heart sung at the sound of those words and the world was visible in those almond eyes of his. Everything was beginning to lay out for them. The future was knocking on their door and they were more than just ecstatic to let it in. “I love you, too, ________! Everything is going to work out wonderfully, just you see!” That was a promise to her he swore he would always keep.

Even if the two had only been able to see their home from the outside again for today, they had spent a long time just looking and talking. They sat on the porch and watched as the sky turned a beautiful midnight blue, the stars coming into full glistening life in a town like this one. They shared their thoughts on that porch, shared their dreams and shared what they wished to see when they moved here as if for the very first time. Everything was all brand new to the married couple in a life like this, but they both embraced the changes with warm, open arms, welcoming every blessing bestowed upon them. The world was a beautiful place, was a wondrous land where absolutely anything was possible and the two couldn’t stop the excitement this mere fact embedded within them. By the time the two had stood to their feet once more to head back to their motel, it was already late in the evening, but the path towards town wasn’t long and was lined by dim lights that shined on their way. They both held hands again, laughing and smiling as they spoke about their lives and the many more laughs they would share. To them, the bubble they were centered in at that very moment was completely impenetrable.

Though the night had come quick and time had marched on faster than they could keep up with, they knew the town was safe. It was small and peaceful, gave off an air of serenity that made them feel like nothing could ever harm them. It almost felt like the nights they spent back during their high school years together eating bean buns by the creek and watching the day roll by without a care. They didn’t make anything of the rustling by the trees, didn’t make anything of the sounds they emitted during their walk. They had believed it was simply the wind or small critters rushing along the ever expanding acres on either side of them. They never believed anything could come to happen to them in their dream town and why would they? Why would they come to think that something was going to go wrong when they had just decided on what their first home would be? Why would they instill those darker thoughts in their heads when the day had been filled with such inviting light? No, they didn’t make anything of the noises. Didn’t make anything of the darker possibilities the shadows beneath the light created until it came out to forcefully make itself known.

That shadow was made when the dream town had begun to show itself in the near distance, a figure rushing out from between the trees to stand before the happy couple.

Instantly, the two stopped. Something didn’t feel right. Something _wasn’t_ right about the hooded man who stood in their way, blocking their path, and Sugawara immediately picked up on this. His wife gained an air of nervousness as the stranger gave them a sharp look from beneath the cowl his hood created, an unforgiving haze masking his dully colored eyes. “Where’s the money?” The man finally spoke up to his targets, his gaze narrowing. He had been following the two since they first set out to take a look at their dream home, having known full well that they weren’t from around here and, in other words, were the perfect marks for an easy heist. Sugawara instantly gained a protective stance, moving himself so he stood between his pregnant wife and the thug, the bravery he felt coming from the need to keep her safe. “Koushi…” He could hear her whimper quietly from behind him, her small hands reaching up to cling to the back of his shirt. “Did you hear me? Where’s the Goddamn money?!” The thug repeated, showing off more aggression as he took a step closer towards the couple.

How could things take such a dramatic turn? How could this possibly be happening in a place as picturesque as this? This was the kind of stuff the two of them were trying to run away from, so why would it follow them to a town as small as this one? He didn’t understand and would never understand, but right now, the only concern he had on his mind was _______ and their child. “We don’t have any money on us.” Sugawara responded to the man as calmly as he could, reaching down to his pockets to turn them inside-out, empty. “We don’t have anything of value we can give you. My wife doesn’t have any money on her, either. Please, just walk on. We don’t need to come to this.” He tried to tell the man, tried to maybe talk him into going on, but the aggressiveness and determination in the stranger’s gaze showed no signs of disappearing. If anything, it only became more prominent, the outrage and distrust he held within those uncaring eyes of his clearly screaming it out to the gray locked man without having to use the aid of words. “ _Bullshit!_ ” The man spat as he reached into his pocket. “Quit lying! I’m not going to tell you this shit again! Give me everything you have if you want to walk out of this alive!”

Pulling his hand out from the front pocket of his hood, the man held a handgun in his grasp, aimed directly at the pair.

_______ let out a terrified cry at the sight as she tried to pull Sugawara back reflexively, her first instinct telling her to get them away from the line of fire unjustly aimed in their direction. She wanted to take her husband’s hand and run off beyond the trees, run as fast their feet allowed them to so they could escape the sudden dark stain in their fantasy with the threatening bullets he had to show for. Sugawara, however, knew they couldn’t do this. He knew her first instinct was to run, but he knew if they did, he would shoot them both down where they were and that would be the end of them. No, he had to remain calm for them. He had to remain calm to save their lives. His heart harshly hammered within his chest, showing no signs of coming down to a regular beat any time soon. His eyes widened at the sight of the gun’s own large, foreboding eye, feeling as if it were digging right into his very core without even coming into contact with him. It was the very first time he had ever seen a gun in person right in front of him, so he couldn’t help the immediate spike of fear that instilled itself deep within him. He was terrified just as she was, but he couldn’t let that show. He couldn’t let that show for her, for their baby, for their future.

“L-listen,” The gray locked man tried once more. “You need to put the gun down. This isn’t going to do you any good and it’s not going to solve anything. I told you that we really don’t have anything to give you and, if we really did, we would have turned it up to you by now. Just put the gun away and walk on…This doesn’t have to end this way. Please, think about what you’re doing, reconsider this. There’s nothing we can give you and even if there was, it wouldn’t be worth the time you’d spend in jail because of this. If you just put the gun down and go on, we won’t speak of this. You can go on with your life and we can go on with ours. Please…” He tried to speak in as clear and steady a voice as he could as he moved back a bit with _______ behind him, changing his stance so he covered more of her with his body. He had never been in a situation like this before, had never been faced with such a dark, horrendous and unfair predicament, so he didn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t know if he was doing right by trying to reason with the man, but he thought this was the best way to go considering that they were very limited with their options. Truthfully speaking, he didn’t think there was much else they could do that would get them out of this situation unharmed other than talking the man out of it.

Even so, nothing appeared to be getting through to the hooded stranger. The dark glare he shot the innocent couple never once left him and his hold on the gun only seemed to tighten as he moved his finger onto the trigger, causing for the young married man’s eyes to widen in a harsh shock of fear. Though his wife was shielded from view because of his towering form, Sugawara quickly caught sight of the man’s movements. The connection was made in that mere crucial second between then and now, allowing for the gray locked male to act on impulse. Hurriedly, he rushed towards the thug, forcing ________ to release the back of his shirt in the process. His hands reached out quick and grabbed onto the barrel of the gun, pushing upwards so the muzzle was aimed at the mockingly glistening stars up above. Adrenaline harshly pumped through his veins as he did everything in his power to wrestle the gun out of the stranger’s grip, but their hold was strong. Neither one of the men loosened their clutches on the death wish in their hands even as they frantically jerked about on the broad dirt path and, though the town was near, they were nowhere close enough for anybody to see what was happening.

They were completely on their own.

A scream of fear and trepidation echoed from the expectant mother’s lips as she watched her husband wager his life in this risky move, tears quickly beginning to make themselves known to her with horrendous thoughts of what could happen flashing through her mind. What was supposed to be a night of rejoice on the discovery of their new home had turned into a sudden fight for their lives. ________ didn’t know what to do, not wanting to get herself tangled up in the middle for the sake of their child but not wanting to leave her husband at the mercy of this madman all on his own. Looking up in shaken panic and fright, she took in the sight of the town looming over in the distance, listening as her harsh heartbeat hammered in her ears. Maybe they weren’t close enough to see them, but what if they could _hear_? Cupping her hands around her mouth to hopefully give her voice more volume and boom, the terrified woman filled her lungs with as much air as she could, placing all her hope into this call. “ ** _Help!_** ” She screamed as loud as she felt she could, forcing her voice to strain through it. “ ** _Please, someone, anyone, help!_** ” Shrill cries of need filled the warm country air, bloodcurdling enough to send a chill down the spine of anybody who was listening.

In a moment of pure panic and fearful disarray, Humans do everything they can to get away and survive. They do everything they think is right at that specific moment in time to save their loved ones with all their want and will pushed into those adrenaline-packed actions, but sometimes, they aren’t always the right turn to take. They don’t have time to think, don’t have time to process the consequences of their actions, so the stakes grow higher without their knowledge even if their hearts are always in the right place. The mighty screams for help the woman released caused a harsh panic to befall the hooded man who had started it all. He had never expected the bastard to fight back and reach for his gun! He had expected this to go smoothly! He thought they would hand over whatever they had on them and he would be gone without a trace left behind, but no. They just had to complicate things. Now, with the cries of desperation more than likely reaching the town’s people up ahead, the crook was in his own kind of peril. This sudden raise in alarm within him made his jerks and pulls on the gun harder and more violent, having actually forced the gray locked man to fall to the ground at some point, but no matter what, he had refused to let it go.

Sugawara knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this up for very long. He was doing everything in his power to keep that damned glowering gun pointed off at the skies or trees to avoid either his pregnant wife or himself from getting shot, but being dragged across the dirt ground made it difficult to keep a good hold. With a cry of fretful endurance, he had tried to kick himself back onto his feet, but the attacker didn’t allow him the chance. He jerked harshly and forced Sugawara to follow as he shouted all kinds of atrocities at him. At some point, however, he had stopped to try and kick him loose, but he took that stopped opportunity quicker than the thug. As quick as he could, he was back on his feet, forcefully ramming himself against the assailant with another cry as the sounds of his wife’s screams for help continued to ring in his ears. He couldn’t let the man win. He couldn’t let him take control of the gun for the sake of his wife, for the sake for his child, for the sake of their family, for the sake of their futures! He couldn’t let this happen! Yet, it was that very panic from the two forms jumbled together in war for the gun that caused their downfall. A slip of one of their finger’s finally forced the sensitive trigger down, the deafening sound of the bullet barreling through the night causing a distant flock of birds to take flight.

A cold, chilling silence filled the air as the struggle between the two men came to a stop. At first, nobody moved. Nobody even took a breath as what had just happened rudely made itself present in their lives. It almost felt like the world had stopped altogether for a few long, eternal moments that would never be erased from memory. Sugawara’s almond eyes widened as far as they could possibly stretch with all kind of emotions completely wiped off of his expression. He stood frozen stiff, his hands beginning to tremble as his grip on the cold metal of the gun loosened and released, stumbling back in his step in the process. The attacker himself watched what he had done begin to slowly unravel before him, but he couldn’t take it. He never wanted this to happen. He had been looking for an easy heist on the vulnerable married couple, but now the town was aware. The shot rang out like harshly booming thunder, prominently making itself known to the people who lived in this picturesque setting. They would come for him. They would take him away and there would be nothing left for him. Fear made itself a force to be reckoned with inside of the man and it ebbed him to let the gun fall from his grip before he turned on his heel and darted off through the trees to escape from whence he came while Sugawara just stared off ahead of him. He hadn’t even noticed that the man who had started it all had disappeared. The only thing he was aware of now was _red_.

“ ** ________!_** ”

His shrill, spine-chilling shriek filled the night with sound again as he watched his pregnant wife teeter on her feet, eyes seemingly widened in a permanent state of what looked to be disbelief. The horrific sight of dark red quickly blossomed over her chest and began to spread over the cotton of her shirt faster and faster as her legs gave out from beneath her. He rushed right over to her, stumbling on his step, but he managed to grab her in his arms before the two came tumbling down onto the ground together with her over him. He hastily sat himself up, a darkened, horrified look finally taking a ruthless hold of his expression as he quickly muttered incomprehensibly to himself in shaken terror while he turned his wife down on her back over the old dirt path. “O-oh God, _______...! Don’t worry! Don’t worry! Everything is g-going to be okay!” He told her with powerful tremors in his voice. In hopes of helping the heavy bleeding stop no matter how fruitless he knew the task would be, he reached up to neckline of her shirt and ripped it just enough to make the bullet wound visible. That dark, foreboding red continued to flow heavy before his very eyes, taunting him with the dread of the situation. Reaching down, however, he ripped a long strip clean off of his own shirt despite his now violently trembling form and balled it up to press over the wound firmly, refusing to just give into their reality.

“_______! _-_______, look at me!” He cried to his wife as he reached up to cup her cheek in his free hand while the other applied pressure to the wound over her chest. Yet, no matter how hard he tried to stop the blood from coming, a pool of it slowly began to spread beneath them, staining the dirt ground with the cruel color as evidence of the bullet having completely passed through her. Her eyes, once widened in disbelief, had since then dulled down to a half lidded state, the light they once held slowly beginning to drain and fade from sight. Even so, she fixed her gaze on his as she tried to keep her breathing steady, but she knew. She knew she wouldn’t make it. She could practically feel it within herself with the amount of blood that was pooling around her at such an alarming rate. It felt surreal to her, really. She knew what happened, could feel the bullet when it pushed through her, but now? She felt nothing. All she could feel was her body going numb as the tears that had begun to cloud her husband’s eyes fell onto the skin of her cheeks. “K-Kou…Koushi…” She whispered his name, using the remainder of her quickly depleting strength to reach up and press her hand over his own. The sight completely tore him apart. It completely broke the man more than he could ever begin to comprehend. He choked on the words he tried to come up with to say as the tears grew heavy, mercilessly trekking down his cheeks to fall on her own.

“Y-you’re going to be okay!” He told her again. “Someone i-in town had to have h-heard that! Th-they must have sent someone over to h-help by now! You’ll be fine! You’ll m-make it out of this!” He told her, trying to give her hope, but deep down inside, he knew he was just trying to convince himself of this, too. Looking up towards the distant town, he began to scream for help in as loud and shrill a voice as he could, the desperation fueled into that one word harshly filled with the worst kind of despair. His throat quickly grew raw and sore from the force his voice withheld, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop! He had to fix this! He had to save her! He had promised her he would always be there for her, would always protect her! How could he possibly allow for this to happen?! “K-Koushi,” Her voice brought those large teary almond hues back to meet her own. “I-it’s…It’s okay…” Oh God, it hurt. It hurt **_so bad_** to hear those words coming from her. They could have come from anybody else and he wouldn’t have cared. He wouldn’t have given a single damn because he would hold onto hope with her, but for her to be the one to start these finalizing words with him dug large, thick nails right into his spine.

“No!” He cried to her, screaming out in aggravated outrage at the strip of cloth he held to her chest when he saw it had turned completely red. Tossing the cloth aside, he pressed his hands against the wound himself, staining his skin with the unforgiving color. “Don’t you start talking like that, _-_______! You’re going to make it out of this! We’re going to be fine! We’re going to have our family and we’re going to move to our dream home like we always talked about! R-remember? D-don’t you remember the s-summers by the pool? The big p-parties we would set up for our kid’s birthday as they g-grow up? The nights w-we would spend huddled up in our n-new home together to k-keep warm during the long winter nights? Y-you can’t just let go of all of that now! **_You can’t just leave me like this!_** ” Tears filled ________’s eyes as his words left him completely wrapped in pain and distraught, but there was nothing she could do to stop them from sliding down the sides of her temples even as she accepted what was happening not just to her, but to their unborn child as well. She wished she could cushion the pain, could make it all go away, but this time, there was no remedy to the injury. There was no going back.

“K-Koushi,” She tried to speak to him once more, her hand weakly reaching down to hold one of his, giving it a very feeble squeeze to stop his frantic attempt to keep the blood from flowing. This finally brought his attention to her despite how hard he was trying to deny the reality they were forcefully pushed into, his wide, desperate almond hues staring deeply into her own dulled ones. With every ounce of strength she could muster for the both of them, she angled her lips into a small, somber smile as more tears slid down her skin. “I-I love you…Please, always remember that…” Slowly, he began to shake his head, refusing to accept the end she was bringing to them despite how badly she wished it weren’t true. “N-no, _______, please…!” He reached up again, squeezing her hand tight as he desperately cupped her cheek in his other bloodied hand as well. “I’m sorry I…I c-couldn’t give you the family we wanted…I’m sorry I w-won’t be there like I always said I would be…I’m s-sorry…S-so sorry…” She reached up shakily with her free hand to feebly cup his cheek in her grasp, guiding him down to press a final kiss softly to his lips. He kissed her back with that same desperation he withheld on her very life, doing everything in him to deny it all. This simply couldn’t be real. He couldn’t lose everything he had worked so hard to have!

“I love you, t-too, _______! We’re not going to lose any of that! S-stop apologizing! S-stop it! Don’t be like that, n-no, you can’t…!” He held her hand tighter as he felt her hold slowly begin to loosen. “I’ll fix this! I’ll make it b-better! I promise! I a-always promised I’d take care of you! I’m not g-going to break that promise!” _______ gently shook her head though her soft, somber smile still remained in sight of her lover, the soul mate she knew she had always been meant to find. If only she could tell him this now. If only she could find a little more strength in her to tell him just how much he meant to her, but it was fading away so quick. The world was starting to slowly turn black and the only thing in sight anymore for her was him. She just hoped he knew. She had told him a countless number of times before, but she just hoped to God he always remembered. “Y-you’re an amazing man, K-Koushi, don’t ever change…Y-you made my life worth living and I hope I w-was able to do the same for you for the time we h-had together…Just remember that I’ll always be w-with you even if I’m not there and, no matter what, I-I’ll always love you…” Her hand which cupped his cheek fell from its grip, landing down on the ground beside her as he stared in horror.

The sounds of sirens blaring in the distance quickly grew closer to fill their air with the sudden intrusion, but they didn’t pay attention to the flashing lights or loud sounds. All that existed was them for one final moment. “ _Stop it!_ Stop it, _______, **_please_**!” He sobbed to her weakening form as her hold on his hand completely released and her eyes slowly began to close. “No! Please, _______! You can’t leave me! Not like this! Not now!” He released her hand to wrap both of his arms around her, hugging her tight and close to himself on the bloodied ground. She wished she could hug him back. She wished she could reach up to kiss his tears away and promise him the world, but all she could do was watch during her final moments as those bitter droplets fell upon her very skin. She couldn’t promise him the world anymore, couldn’t give him everything she had wanted to and God, did it hurt. Their child would never come to be, would never live to know what life could be like, would never know what an amazing person their father was, would never know the love of their parents. Their family would always just be a distant, unreachable dream. As her husband sobbed over her dying form, she let her head rest over his forearm in their position, making sure she withheld his gaze till the very end even as his tears blurred his vision. “Koushi,” His name left her lips for the very last time.

“It’s going to be okay…I-I promise…”

Her eyes lidded then, their final goodbye filling the night and completely disappearing as the flashing red and blue lights surrounded the shattered couple. The life had finally left her and all that remained was her limp body in his arms, but he couldn’t accept it. He couldn’t accept that she had slipped away from his grasp no matter how hard he tried to hold on. “ ** ________! _______, no!_** ” His sob reached through the warm night as he brought her figure closer to himself, burying his expression against the crook of her neck with the blood now covering his person as well. “Don’t go! P-please, come back! Don’t leave me like this! Don’t l-leave me all a-alone like this! Please, d-don’t leave me a-alone! I love you, _______! **_I love you!_** ” He hunched over her figure, crying hard and heavy against the skin of her neck with the last remaining warmth she had left. “P-please…” He choked out as the officers stepped out of their vehicles and watched in commiserative silence as the man cried over his fallen wife. “D-don’t go…D-don’t go, p-please, don’t…Come back to m-me, ________...” His cries at that point had died down to desperate, shaken whimpered begs for his lover. He knew it was pointless, he knew it wouldn’t bring her or their child back to him, but he tried. He tried in hopes that maybe this was just a bad dream they could wake up from and, when they did, they’d be happy together again.

A happy family.

 

~¤ ¤ ¤ ¤~

 

The high-pitched beeping of my alarm clock piercing through the morning is all I ever wake up to nowadays.

Every morning I always reset my alarm to go off at seven, but I always beat it by a few hours, anyways. I’m not too sure how long I had spent staring up at the apartment ceiling above me, but I know it had been a long time. It was dark out when I first woke up from the reoccurring nightmare in my head and the sun had since risen, but the blinds over my windows blocked most of its rays from reaching me. The beeping of my alarm clock had quickly drowned out to background noise for me as I tried to bring up the will in myself to stand, though it never seemed to willingly come. One way or another, I always ended up having to force myself out of bed and it was never something I enjoyed doing. I didn’t care if I had a job to get to, didn’t care if I had to get ready for the day. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed and hide beneath the covers to escape the beeping of my clock that urged me to stand so I could face a world I just wanted to turn my back on. I had wanted to stop this for a very long time. I’ve constantly thought about quitting my job and keeping myself caged up in this small, mocking room, but there was always something that pushed me through. Slowly, I turned my view towards the spot in bed beside me, the covers made and pillows fluffed for her despite them always remaining untouched since that night.

I can’t quit. I can’t let myself get fired. How could I do that to _______? When she…when she passed, all the money we had saved up for our home ended up going into her and our child’s funeral. There was nothing left after that day. I had broken so many promises to her on that night and I just wanted to keep this one. This one promise I had made to her the day we picked where we wanted to start our family. I’ve forced myself since then to work like a dog day in and day out to raise up that money again so I can go buy the house she loved so much. She would have liked that, I know she would. Silence surrounded me for a very long time as I stared at her side of the bed and, honestly, it feels like the silence has been here since that night. It’s almost as if I could still feel the deafening pound the sound of the gunshot left in my ears every single day, but I tried to ignore it. I tried to push it aside as I forced my gaze to tear away from the kept covers and made myself sit up in bed. Dully, I stared down at my feet as I slipped on my slippers without much motivation like every other day. Summoning up the will in me to stand, I pushed myself out of the covers and off of the bed with an ache resonating over my form, but I paid it no mind. It’s like I have a new ache and pain everyday now, anyways.  

Reaching over, I shut the beeping alarm off at last before I completely forgot as has happened before. The silence that filled the apartment just seemed to become so consuming to me that everything grew soundless one way or another. The silence quickly grew to be unbearable very quick because it always lead me to let the thoughts and memories roll through the floodgates despite the long months I had spent fortifying them in my mind. I have come to despise thinking, so I do everything in me to distract myself from the memories with little pointless things here and there. Back when _______ was around, the apartment was always filled with some kind of joyous sound, but nowadays, the closest thing I have to that is a CD she made for me on our first anniversary filled with all the songs we used to love listening to together. She used to love English music, so she tried to share that with me when she was still around. It made me sad, forced me to remember when I sat down to think, but when I have to do things around the apartment that called for my attention, it calmed me and didn’t make me feel so alone. So, I wandered over to the stereo set up on the dresser where the disk was already in. I never took it out of the system since it was one of the only things I have left that give me some sort of comfort and having the music fill this empty space sometimes helps the sadness go away for a little while.

Turning the stereo on to play, I set the volume just loud enough to ring through all the rooms without causing too much of a disturbance to the people living around me. The soft and gentle notes filled my ears as I closed my eyes shut and took in a quiet breath, my mind going blank in thought. In place where there was once light and color, all I see now is dark, dull shades; blacks, grays and whites are all that ever come to be. Colorless, I’ve come to live life almost like a zombie with the only little bit of light I had being the photographs and the music that just as quickly could turn bitter if they so felt like it. Opening my eyes once more, I deiced to turn away from the stereo before I let the thoughts take control again and began my daily morning routines. I went over to the bathroom to take a shower, stepped out to get dressed and gathered my things for work. After, I went to the kitchen and made myself the simple breakfast of scrambled eggs with a small bowl of rice I made myself every morning. It had come to feel like I was programmed to do all of this as if I were some sort of machine, surprised still that there wasn’t a path on the ground from the many times I had stepped over the same places. I did the absolute minimum for myself, but I always made sure to put maximum effort for her. Though I now ate alone, I always made her a plate of her favorite foods for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Though nobody sat across from me, I set her plate down with a fork and knife along with a drink.

At the end of every meal, my plate was always left half empty and hers was left full.

After I had cleaned the dishes and set everything away, I stepped outside into the open world, watching emotionless as the sun slowly rose up a little higher. _______ loved the sunrise and the sunset. I turned my back on the shining rays at the thought to lock my door before I wandered to the stairs and made my way down to head to work. The walk between the apartment and work always felt like a sequence of static in my time because I could never really recall anything apart from the usual. Passing cars and a blue sky up above. People walked on the sidewalk with me or opposite of me heading along on their own paths in life while I just barely kept myself afloat. Every day that passed I found myself struggling harder for a breath of fresh air, could practically feel myself sinking down into an endless ocean with the oxygen slowly being squeezed out of my lungs without remorse. Dark, skeletal like fingers wrapped themselves around my mind and squeezed just as hard to force out all the thoughts I tried to keep buried and hidden until I was alone in our bedroom. Everybody knew what happened back then and they were all aware of what that meant for me, but I refused to ever let the full extent of that show to anybody but myself.

Nobody needed to know just how deep I had sunken into this endless abyss.

I’d rather they still keep hope that I could find a way back to the surface even though I had convinced myself there was no way back up.

I could remember a countless number of times in which I looked down the street and noticed a small family walking on happily without a care in the world. A mother and father would stand on either side of their child and, sometimes, there would even be two or three kids. They all smiled and laughed, some whimpered and cried, others slept in the arms of their parents while the mother and father walked side-by-side. I always looked away. It was something I had once dreamed of. To be a father...it was everything I could have ever wanted with _______ as the mother to my children, but that was gone now. The dream had died with her, had been buried beneath when I watched her casket descend into the earth to be covered with dirt. I’ll never have that family. I’ll never have those afternoon walks. I’ll never be able to hold my child’s hand, never be able to wipe their tears when they cried, and never be able to laugh with them. I’ll never be able to hold hands with _______ again and never be able to smile at her in the bliss that a family could have brought us. It was simply a fantasy now, a dream that will never come true, and I was reminded of this each and every day.  

Sometimes, I wondered if maybe it would have been better if I had gone with them. What if I had been shot that night as well? What if we died in each other’s arms back on that old country road? Would we be up in Heaven now together? Would I be holding _______’s hand? Would I be able to see what my child looks like? Hear what they sound like? Would I be able to see their smile as I had been dying to? Would I have my family back? So many ‘what if’s flooded my mind all at once, but I did everything within my capabilities to put them at bay. I could think of this at home. I know there was no way I could escape those thoughts forever, but at least while I am out beneath the public eye, I’ll swallow it all down. I will show no kind of emotion. My face will remain stoic and my expression sunken. There is nothing to read, nothing to tell and nothing to discover. All anybody will ever know is Sugawara Koushi, the average Joe that was trying to get by in life like everybody else was. They didn’t need to know of my mind, of my thoughts or of my dreams. Even so, I’m not too sure I can even call them dreams anymore.

The only kind of dreams I ever have are the ones in which I’m with _______ and our child in a paradise where nothing could ever touch us.

By the time I reached the building I worked in, it was a few minutes before eight. I always made it on time. Work was one of the only things that kept me distracted long enough to be at peace for a while on my own. Not only that, but this was all for _______ and our baby. That house at the end of the path has still been on the market since that night and the prospect of buying it is the only thing that gives me reason now. Otherwise, I would just be wandering adrift with no direction to head in. Yet, even as I sat myself in my little cubicle and got to work on the files I had on my computer, I could sometimes hear people talk. I could hear them in the background throughout the entirety of my day amongst themselves by the watercooler or just a couple of cubicles over. They never thought I could hear them, never thought I ever found out about everything that passed on between them, but I always heard. I could hear them no matter how discreet they thought they were, but I didn’t care what they had to say. None of them mattered to me, none of them were my friends. They were just people who came to this job to gain a little money for their livings, so of course I didn’t care. All I ever did was hear them speak, but I never listened.

“ _Hey, Akemi, do you know when the office party is? I need to know when to get the things I’m going to bring._ ”

“ _I think it’s sometime next week. Probably on Friday._ ”

“ _Yeah, alright, that sounds good. Oh, another thing, don’t you think we should maybe try inviting Sugawara? He never really speaks up or does anything here apart from work. Yeah, I get it, it’s his job and all, but he’s gotta loosen up around here._ ”

“ _I wouldn’t bother. Ever since his wife died, he’s been keeping mostly to himself. Remember all of the other times people have tried to invite him to our little office get-togethers? He just ignores us or throws away the invitations, so don’t waste your time. It’s just going to be another no-show._ ”

“ _I don’t know. I guess you’re right, but the guy really does need a breather. You gotta feel for him, though. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Honami._ ”

“ _Yeah, it’s sad. I wonder what he’s been up to since then. It’s not healthy to just keep everything bottled up and lock yourself away from everybody. He’s going to end up digging himself an early grave like that._ ”

“ _Well, there’s nothing we can do about that. I guess it’s just the way he copes with things. It’s no easy road to go down when you lose everything you loved. I’m surprised he even gets himself out of bed in the morning.”_

Oh, if only they knew.

 

~¤ ¤ ¤ ¤~

 

Work always goes by so quickly. A lot of people complain about the lengthy hours they have with their job, but mine never seems to fill up enough of my time. At least there, I can keep my attention focused on something that’s supposed to be productive, but I suppose nothing really lasts forever. Yeah. Nothing does. Six o’clock came by quicker than I anticipated as usual and, with a heavy heart, I clocked out for the day and began to make my way back to the apartment. I have really come to hate this time of the day. I can’t even call that space ‘home’ anymore because a home is where your loved ones are supposed to be. That apartment is just a big empty reminder of what I used to have and I detest having to go back to it. I can’t wait to make up the rest of the money I need to buy that house in the countryside. As much as the memories hurt and as badly as I wish I could forget, it’s the one place where I feel I could maybe be just a bit closer to them again even if they aren’t here. For now, though, I am forced to stay where it all began, hoping that one day, I’ll come back to a home and everything that had happened had really just been a bad, bad dream.

By the time I dragged myself up those steps to the second floor of my apartment complex, day had turned to night, a darker shade highlighting the cityscape. I looked over my shoulder up towards the sky one last time for the night after I had unlocked the door to see that the stars were nowhere in sight. It’s like they had never been there up in that sky despite how vividly I can see them in my head. Letting out a quiet breath, I turned back to my door and stepped inside to leave it all be. Yet, when I did, I noticed I could still hear music playing from this morning. Furrowing my brow, I realized I had forgotten to shut the stereo off when I had stepped out to head to work earlier in the day. I usually leave the CD on loop whenever I play it, so it must have been going on all this time. It’s a good thing I don’t really play it all too loud or I probably would have gotten some notice or complaint taped up to my door. Dropping my keys on the table by the door and slipping my shoes off, I began to make my way over to the bedroom where the music came from, the tune getting louder the closer I got. Wandering over to the stereo, I stared down at it dully, just watching as the numbers on the little blue-lit screen changed with the song’s duration, but just as I reached out to shut it off, I stopped. I could feel my eyes widen as I finally took the chance to stop _hearing_ and start _listening_.

Playing on the stereo was our song, the song that was playing when _______ and I first kissed.

I couldn’t bring myself to shut it off. I couldn’t move any closer to the stereo than what I already had. I could feel my hands subtly begin to shake and my heart begin to pound a little bit faster as the memories quickly washed over my mind. I remember what she was wearing that day. I remember what she said to me. I remember the brightness of her blush. I remember how big her smile was when I kissed her. I remember the happiness that radiated from her when she showed me the music on the CD and I told her I liked it, too. I remember her playing this very CD on the stereo during the night when we were alone to dance to in our bedroom despite us being in pajamas. I remember singing a couple of these songs to her baby bump together. I remember the way she laughed. I remember the way she said ‘I love you’. I remember, I remember, I remember. I couldn’t turn it off. I couldn’t. I could practically _feel_ her in this song with all the memories melded into that one disk. So, I pulled back. I pulled back as I felt my lips turn, a somberness taking hold of me once more. I could start to feel that harsh ache in my chest that I had felt a million times before. Looking to the side, I caught sight of one of our pictures framed on that very nightstand which I refused to put down. Wandering over to it, I gently took the framed picture in my shaking hands, looking over just how happy we used to be. The smile on her face was as bright as I remember it being, the color her eyes withheld still alive and filled to the brim with love. I keep these pictures hung up everywhere on the walls and tables so I never forget. I never want to forget the way her smile looked like back then. I don’t want it to fade from my memory to leave me with the last, colorless one which forcefully dug unforgiving claws into my soul.  

_“I'm coming home to you._  
_When I lay tonight, when I close my eyes, I know the sun will rise, here or the next life._  
 _As long as you’re still mine, then it’s alright._  
 _I'll be fine ‘cause when I die, then I die loving you._  
 _It's alright, I'll be fine._  
 _‘Cause when I die then I die loving you, loving you, loving you_.”

Quickly, my vision began to blur as I watched a couple of heavy teardrops fall onto the fragile glass that protected us. I could feel myself start to tremble so much more than I could control. I could feel my heart scream from the darkest depths of the abyss it had sunken into for a way out of this pain, but there was none. I was alone. All alone. As tight as I could, I brought the framed picture of us close to my chest and hugged it to myself as a choked cry left me despite how hard I tried to keep it down. I felt myself stumble back on my wobbling legs until they gave out from under me and I was left there, clutching onto a memory that I refused to ever let fade away with tears hurriedly racing down the paths on my cheeks I’m sure they have come to personally recognize. I remember the sound of the gunshot. I remember the way her eyes widened. I remember the feel of the gun’s barrel in my hands. I remember the feel of her blood coating my skin. I remember the sound of her dying words. I remember the way said ‘I love you’ for the very last time. **_I remember, I remember, I remember!_**

I failed her! I failed her, I broke our promises, I let her down! If I hadn’t have tried to take the gun away from that guy, then maybe she would still be alive! Maybe she and our baby are dead now because of me and there’s nothing I can do to change that! I can’t go back in time! I can’t stop myself from trying to be the hero! I can’t stop myself from taking her out to that house at night! I can’t tell her just how  ** _sorry_** I am for the horrendous thing I’ve done! No, all I can do is cry…All I can do is cry over the picture clutched to my chest filled with both good memories and horrible ones. All I could do was pray to God that she was up there with our child waiting for me and that they’ve forgiven me for what I did. For the millionth time since that horrible, cruel, evil night, I cried so hard I felt my body go weak. I felt my bones and muscles begin to ache from the strain, could feel my throat go raw from the cries my chest forced to leave me. I’m all alone now. In the consuming solitude of our bedroom, I could cry. I could cry as much as I wanted to, scream as loud as I wanted to. Inside of the privacy these four walls created for me, I could let the world outside think I’m doing just fine when I’m really just dying on the inside. In the unbearable loneliness, I finally figured it out. I finally figured out the awful reality of the world that everybody tried so hard to hide so we can keep moving on with a blind eye:

When somebody tells you it’s going to be okay, it’s always just another lie.


End file.
